some support and advice???

[drf]

I have a friend who is going through some almost irreversable problems in his marriage:

details in brief:

-they have 1 child (1 year old)
-She has fallen in love with someone else and claims she no longer loves him
-She has intentionally gotten pregnant with their second.
-She went through almost a years worth of marriage councelling and didn't tell him or the councelor about her unfaithfulness.
-we don't know if her affair has been physical or not
-we don't know who the father is
-he found afew emails hidden on her computer where she has asked the person she is having the affair with if he wants her to leave her husband and if her being pregnant changes anything.


I think my friend needs some serious emotional support right now, and I would appreciate anythoughts people have on advice I can give him and comforting thoughts for his position.
I am in a very successful marriage and can't fully fathom the actual unfaithfullness, so I feel a little inadequate for supporting him, but as a close friend I cannot let his life fall to pieces and not at least try to pick up some of them.

I appreciate any help you guys can give me.

thanks
Dr F

[Sonnie]

Wow... that seems like it's about as bad as it could get. I'm somewhat in the same situation as you... been married for 24 years and haven't had a similar situation to arise thankfully. I don't think this one would be all that common either. Unfortunately, I wouldn't know what to do, other than simply be there.

It does sound like she does not love her husband and he'll probably not be able to change her mind, not to mention she may not even know what real love is... she's probably infatuated with this other guy. Actually that may possibly have been all it was with her husband. He has every right to divorce her if she has been unfaithful, but the pregnancy throws a kink in that I'm sure, if it may possibly be his. If it is his, he has a responsibility to care for that child even if the child is unborn. This situation needs professional help. Again, as a friend I would just simply be there and be extra cautious about what advice I gave.... you wouldn't want the wrong advice to come from you and further aggravate the situation. Try to get them professional help... someone who knows the entire situation or can maybe discuss it with them.

[lcaillo]

There seem to me to be two possibilities. She may just be mixed up and needing something that he is not or can not provide and may figure it out eventually, or she is really wanting out and in love with someone else. He needs to do some real soul searching to be sure that it is not the former, because a mistake would be tragic for the kids. If it is the latter, however, he needs to get a brutal lawyer and cut it off ASAP. Waiting will just make it worse.

[Prof.]

I concur with Sonnie and Leonard...This is a very delicate and difficult situation and no one should be giving any advice or suggestions without knowing ALL the facts...
All you can do Dr.F is try and convince them to return to counselling, and bring all the known factors to light with a good marriage councillor...
My first marriage ended this way, and believe me it's gets very messy and emotional when kids are involved..Something that one should try to avoid at all costs...It will affect all concerned for the rest of their lives..

[lcaillo]

I have been through the divorce process myself and concur. I had a son in my first marriage and had there been any way to save the marriage, I would have done anything to do so. Sometimes there is nothing than can be done and it is better to end it. The thing to remember is that there was once love and if both parties choose to do so there may be that possibility again. It has to be the choice of both, however.

Love is a funny thing. I truly believe, however, that love is the result of a series of choices that we make, not some magic or destiny. Love is the power we all have if we choose to use it. Who we direct it to is also a choice.

[drf]

Thanks guys, thats basically what i needed to hear. I was worried I might start giving bad advice or forget myself and end up not being very helpfull. I guess I will just re-enforce to them not to rush decisions and to think through all posibilities. take it one day at a time so to speak.

Thanks

[muse77]

I am on my second marriage and have been through divorce many years ago. My ex messed around and got caught. At first I beat myself up wondering what I could have done different or what I did wrong to make it fail. Well, it took a while but I came to the realization that we were 2 different people and it wasn't meant to be. No matter what I could have done, she chose her path in life. When I left the court house after the divorce it felt like a giant weight was removed from my shoulders. I will admit it was hard to get over. Even after I met my wife, there was still residue left over from the first marriage. I do want to say that now I am more happy than I could ever have been if I would have stayed married to my first wife.

I can suggest that your friend might try joining Parent without Partners. I did when I became single again and it was very very helpful for me. Meeting and talking to other women and what they went through with their marriage made me realize that I wasn't so bad after all.

We wonder why life throws out these challenges and we go through painfull situations. Well that's how our spirit or soul learns and how we become a better person.

Just my 2 cents worth.
I wish your friend the best.

Bryan